Dharmacharya Shantum Seth

On the evening of my marriage, my mother in law told me and my wife... In a marriage, there are grounds for divorce, every day. The practice is to focus on the grounds for marriage. "

It reminded me of my teacher, the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh's advice to focus on what is healing and healthy; and in that way, get the nourishment and strength to accept and transform one's difficulties and suffering. He was echoing the first teachings of the Buddha given in the Deer Park at Sarnath, India.

Being contented and happy in oneself is the practice of the Buddha Dharma. To find that sense of well being and fulfillment between two is even more challenging. To do while having and dealing with children is even interesting, and to find that peace and harmony in an extended family Sarigha, as we have in India is a wonderful practice; one that the Buddha's teachings directly address.

This talk will dwell briefly on the aspect of finding Peace in oneself, which is a complementary practice to overcoming problems and developing harmony in a family, which will be the main thrust of the talk.

Practicing Peace in oneself involves a combination of ethics: developing calm in one's mind, feelings and body and thereby being able to look more clearly at situations within and around us. That allows us to develop wisdom of non-discrimination, a view that helps us stay free from moment to moment. Many people at this conference will offer views on this.

What fewer people can expound on is how to adopt the Buddha Dharma in lay life and family life. Family is of course a social institution, and we can look at the family in various ways, whether spiritual, cattiest, tribal, national, regional or even global. For the purposes of this talk I will speak of family in the three most conventional aspects; of people living together who are related by either birth, blood or marriage. I also believe that the practice of family Sarigha can only truly be tested If the members live together.

When we get married in India, it is not two individuals who marry, but it is a coming together of two families, two clans, two sets of karmas. We often speak of marrying the same person over 7 life times! From the two we become one and it is a great opportunity to practice non - clinging to ideas of 'self. It becomes clear each day that the one person's happiness and suffering is the other's and that it is transmitted to others in the family.

In our Buddhist marriage ceremony, when Gitanjali and I got married in Plum Village we shared the Five Awarenesses. It formed the core of the ceremony and Gitanjali and I have repeated them every full moon since our marriage in early 1996. If we are not physically together we share it by the telephone. I would like to share this profound practice that has developed even greater meaning since we had our two children. On each on the 'Awareness' we stop to reflect and I would like to offer some of our insights, and how it has helped overcome family problems and build harmony how it has helped us look and focus on those grounds for marriage and not separation.

1. We are aware that all generations of our ancestors and all future generations are present in us.
2. We are aware of the expectations that our ancestors, our children, and their children have of us.
3. We are aware that our joy, peace, freedom, and harmony are the joy, peace, freedom and harmony of our ancestors, our children, and their children.
4. We are aware that understanding is the very foundation of love.
5. We are aware that blaming and arguing can never help us and only
create a wider gap between us; that only understanding, trust, and love can
help us change and grow.

It is important not only to recognise our inter-generational continuum biologically but to recognise it in terms of characteristics, habit energies, perceptions etc. In India, where over 99% of the marriages are arranged by the families, when we go to visit the prospective bride's home or prospective groom's home, we are keen to observe what their respective, mother or father are like.

It is of course important to keep communication open, so as to develop an understanding of the aspirations and fears of each member of the family. To provide a time and space for the family circle to gather and share.

The practice of 'Beginning Anew' is most helpful for that. This is a practice we learnt while living as a family in the community of monks and nuns in Plum Village under the guidance of Thich Nhat Hanh and Sister Chan Khong. Here we water the other one's flower, share own regrets and our own state of being, before sharing any difficulties in the spirit of compassion and understanding. We have come together to live in harmony and so that is the base line. If any difficulties occur, we know that we must try to re-create the understanding, love and harmony, before communication becomes strained, and we forget the purpose of our union.

Ultimately, the whole world is our family, but the challenge comes from seeing that a few of those people are more important to us than others. It is through those few people that we can develop our unconditional love and compassion for our selves and others, practice the deep teachings of impermanence, inter-being and non-self. It is of course these family members who are the finest mirrors into which we can see our unflattering ourselves, and yet also receive unconditional support to realise the highest human potential of Nirvana.