Gratia L. Meyer

The goal of a family is to help each member change and grow together. The responsibility of each family member is to help all members diminish their suffering and increase their happiness. T ultimate destination of each individual is being in the moment, which constantly changing and impermanent, by being aware that one already there.

Within a family unit, it is not always the case that every member is walking in full awareness. Each family member is unique a; perceives suffering based on his/her own developmental level suffering. Children want to be acknowledged and praised for the accomplishments and feel much suffering when they perceive a lack recognition. Parents want to be honored, respected and generally a accepting of children growing and becoming viable adults but r necessarily in the direction the children want to take.

It is acknowledged that it is normal to change but the parer fear growth and as such experience much suffering. The children in turn feel the suffering of their parents and they too suffer. Change and increase suffering and suffering increases suffering.

There are three levels of suffering and Tinh Man, abbot Compassionate Dharma Cloud Monastery-Colorado, has added a 4th level (personal communication, 2008):

1. Suffering causes suffering
2. Suffering of change - individual always wants to be happy and does not want any change.
3. Suffering is all pervasive - it is universal
4. Suffering of no suffering - It is without ego. There is nothing to grasp. There is no self and therefore no reference point. There are no words, just stillness which allows space for total awareness, a state of all knowing. There is total peace and a state of continuing happiness.

Most individuals do not have the intent to create suffering for themselves and/or others. Often behaviors towards others are perceived as causing suffering, but these are things-in-themselves and are not really the source of suffering. The cause is really misperception or lack of understanding. By understanding the nature-of-things, we learn that action does not create suffering; it truly is the perception.
For example, a child who wants candy causes himself suffering and suffering for his parents. The parents are setting limits not because they want their child to suffer but rather so their child will not suffer the consequences of eating too much candy. On the other hand, a child is not neurodevelopmentally capable of perceiving that the restriction is for her greater good. Babies and toddlers have not developed the capacity to hypothesize and make future predictions. They need to be taught to trust the present moment and that their parents are acting in their best interest. If the family practices mindfulness, then their child is more likely to accept the "No" as not restrictive but rather expansive. On the other hand, if the family practices grasping and wanting, their child will not only demand more at the moment; but will continue to demand more and more. When a family can remove misperceptions, their suffering, individually and collectively, is diminished.

Based on neuroscience research and developmental psychology, I have identified six neuropsychodevelopmental levels of perceptions of suffering.

Level 1: Suffering is all encompassing

At this level of perception, it is difficult to differentiate between the suffering of oneself and the suffering of others. The individual perception of suffering is felt as being all over the body. When as "Where are you suffering?" the individual's response will be "all с or "I don't know," meaning he cannot find words to express suffering. This individual's perception of suffering comes from realm of physical needs. If he is hungry, cold, wet or in physical pain is suffering. At this level of perception, the individual is unable express an emotion to this suffering. At best, he can only point t< area on his body that is hurting.

This level of perception is best described as a relation between a baby and her mother. The relationship is an abs attachment in which the mother understands and knows her Ы needs. When she hears her baby crying, the mother knows that s hungry, or wet. As the mother and baby evolve together, the m< begins to differentiate between expressions of crying. She learn different cries for stomach ache, hunger and being wet.

Level 2: Suffering is felt through the facial, vocal and physical gestures of a significant person

This level of perception is an absolute attachment. The suffering is perceived as being caused by someone. The individual will look J expressions of another to determine if he is suffering. This level perception is best described as a relationship between a toddler an mother. When a toddler learns to walk and falls down, he often looks his mother for an expression of pain. If his mother is reassuring v comforting smile, the toddler is less likely to cry and will pull himself up and try again On the other hand, if the toddler looks at his m and she looks scared, the toddler is likely to start crying and roll into a fetal position.

The level of pain is measured by the response of another modulated by a caregiver or person of authority. If the individual i: by a caregiver that he has really caused much suffering, their individual believes that he is suffering a great deal.

This level of perception of suffering feels caused by another or an object and often leads to the mentality of being a slave or victim to a master or perpetrator. The slave needs the master and the master needs the slave. When asked: "Where are you suffering?" the individual will respond with: "You are the cause of my suffering." The child feels that his parents are causing his suffering and the parents feel the child is the cause of their suffering, such as a feeling of entrapment.

The individual also can be enslaved by an addiction or craving. When this person feels suffering, he automatically blames it on the fact that he has not had a drink or needs an object in order to feel better. Suffering causes suffering.

Level 3: Suffering is caused by a significant person

The individual perceives suffering as all good or all bad. There are two ways in which a person can experience this "all or nothing" perception. In one way, the person perceives himself as being all good and cannot fully understand why bad things are happening to him. Since he perceives himself as all good and therefore not the cause of his suffering, he looks outside of himself for the cause. He tends to blame a family member or teacher for his feeling bad. In fact he will have a tendency to shun this family member or person of authority and manipulate all other members so that they will also perceive this member as being all bad.

In the opposite way, this perception is experienced by an individual who perceives himself as all bad and others as being all good. She often becomes jealous and sees that others have more than she and, therefore, she must be ail bad. With this level of perception, the individual still is unable to perceive that she might be the cause of her suffering. She believes that she is all bad but does not know how to correct the "bad behavior". She looks to caregivers or teachers to show her the way. With very good intentions, authorities or leaders will give her the rules for change or the path to follow, to change her not-so-good inclinations. They truly are unaware that she perceives herself as "all bad" and therefore from that foundation of wrongdoing, she sees the journey as being daunting and unattainable.

The individual may have cravings of envy because she believes that she is a bad person, not because others perceive her as being a t person. She truly feels hopeless and views that it is her circumstances fate that caused her suffering.

Level 4: Suffering is felt by the rejection of a group affiliation

The individual perceives suffering as being caused by community not meeting his needs. The perception at this level is that he follows the rules, completes the initiation or rites and become; member in good standing, then the group should diminish his suffering The assumption is that the affiliation alleviates suffering. The individual perceives that his group is all good and thus identifies with that group i In addition, his identity is described as being a member of a group, am a parent, child, student, teacher, doctor, Buddhist...", etc.

By being attached to a particular group, he views other groups as being all bad or the enemy. Often others will join a group based the recommendation of a close friend or family member who belongs the group. It is very common to generalize that if a person of h regard belongs to a particular group, then the group must be superior and the reverse is also true: it is assumed that bad groups or the enemy must have all "bad" members. Another perception is that all members a particular group collectively are suffering. For example, by being prisoner, he is suffering. Or by identifying as a prisoner, everyone knows how he is suffering. Finally, when people become members с group, they also accept the dress code, mannerism and doctrine. 1 example, an individual is given certain privileges based on membership card and when it is learned that the card is an illusion, privileges are removed.

An individual at this level spends a lot of energy belonging his group. If the individual feels any suffering, she looks toward group to alleviate the pain. If she feels dismissed or misunderstood, individual blames the group for not meeting her needs. She has expectation that by belonging, all members are given certain privilege that diminish suffering and they in turn have an obligation to diminish her suffering. She further believes that if she is suffering, all members are suffering.

When it is perceived that all members are not getting their needs met, they look for a leader within the group to guide them out of suffering. If the group leader does not alleviate the suffering of many, then the disgruntled members may leave the group and form a new affiliation. The new formed group in turn looks at the mother group as the enemy. In order to state a group is the enemy, the individual declares the community as harmful and even evil, based or. preconceived notions from his past, through ancestral stories or mi -perceptions. Through hateful eyes, he looks for negative and harmful gestures, statements or customs that reinforces his belief that the other community is the enemy.

Level 5: Suffering is based on human violation

Suffering is defined as the violation of human rights. Individuals and groups will work together for freedom to practice, freedom to speak and freedom to think. Usually human suffering is perceived as not only within the group of affiliation but also outside the group and outside of oneself. The individual perceives suffering as based on the violation of human rights individually and collectively.

An individual who is a member of the Buddhist temple can hear the suffering of all Tibetan Buddhist. A Christian or Jew can feel the suffering of Buddhists in exile in Tibet or Burma. Suffering is based on the persecution of a whole culture, sect or religion. Migrant workers, sweat shop seamstresses, farmers, laborers or slum dwellers collectively can be perceived as a group suffering within a culture. At this level of perception, individuals collectively see the suffering of others regardless of their beliefs, customs or mores.

This is the first level of perception at which an individual is aware that his action and speech can influence the outcome not only in his direct community but also within his country and world. He is comfortable with stepping outside of his community to do acts of kindness. This individual also is aware that he may or may not initially seek recognition for such acts of loving kindness but as he continues and completes his cause, he does expect some sort of praise and ongoing support.

This is the beginning where many groups participate diminishing human rights suffering. Maintaining individuality •< different ideals, people of many cultures can walk together for particular cause. And when the groups get together for a cause, they maintain their unique identity. Americans, Asians, Europeans, Americans, Middle Easterners and Africans collectively do not judge the fabric of a culture unless it has violated human rights. Then a cohesive group, people will want and often demand change political action, demonstrations and silent action. At this level people are aware that once freedom has been suppressed, suffering is created individually and collectively on the earth, among animals and human beings.

Level 6: Suffering is interrelated

This level of perception of suffering is based on an inter awareness that every thought, word and action can create or diminish suffering. This is the Realm of Suffering and Non-Suffering. Suffer and happiness intermingle. We continue to be aware t caring for all sentient beings, plants, earth and society diminish suffering. The individuals study and practice - bodhisattva of loving kindness - being careful of all of the things around oneself.

Knowing that everyone >and everything is interrelated, individual at this level of perception is aware that he must take care himself in order to be able to take care of others. In addition, he is aw that he needs to take care of himself before taking care of his family then culture and then the world. It is well known that Buddha first t( care of himself before he took care of his family. Looking deeply i his own suffering, Buddha was aware that his suffering was interrelation to his family's suffering and interrelated to the suffering in others.

The levels are connected to each other

Level 1 through 6 are not based on a linear perception but rather on a circular one in which each level touches the level before and after. In addition aspects within a level provide the foundation for the next developmental level of perception. It is also important to note that Levels 1 and 6 are connected to each other. The difference between Levels 1 ai d 6 is that individuals who are functioning at Level 1 are not able to separate and differentiate. They are unaware of the cause of their suffering.

The six levels of perception of suffer ig inter-are. Looking deeply and being still, one can feel the suffering energy vibrating between and within each level. The levels of perception of suffering emphasize the necessity to have someone who can listen deeply to the one who is speaking deeply. It is important to not push away suffering but rather embrace it. If family members push away the elements of suffering, it creates tension and resistance within a family to communicate, to grow and change.

Suffering can be used as a way out of affliction. It is the way to penetrate darkness and to expose the light. Practicing mindfulness, families can learn that all beings are interrelated. The practice is now in the present moment. The greater the insight into suffering, the less there is of suffering.

The Four Noble Truths can be based on the developmental perception of suffering

A family who is functioning at Level 1 is not unable to say: "I am suffering and this is the cause of my suffering." The best he can do is to say: "I am hurting all over." The suffering is based on the perception of T. The family member who is hearing the overall suffering has the responsibility to help the-person move to the next level of perception ever so gently. The caregiver needs to ask: "Can you point to the area on your body where you are hurting?" The caregiver identifies the pain which creates separation by pulling the individual out of the bubble of pain. The caregiver then is responsible to gently help the person move from Level 1 to 2. If the movement is too fast, the tendency is to blame the caregiver for causing the pain. By being too fast, the individual will have a tendency to say: "Stop ... you are causing my pain."

The caregiver must listen deeply and not merge with the partner who is blaming her for his suffering. The caregiver must let go of li ego and realize that she is not the cause of his suffering. If she merge with the family member, they in turn collude together to find someone else in the family who has caused their pain, creating greater separation and suffering (Perception Level 3). The scenario is as follows: о family member is in a bubble of suffering, another member tries move that individual out of the bubble of pain. By doing so, she perceived as creating more suffering. She feels she is not the cause his suffering; so she joins the person who is suffering to find another family member to blame for their suffering. By identifying with 1 suffering, the two family members create deeper suffering and another family member is blamed for the original pain.

A parent can do things that are perceived as suffering by a ch and yet it is for the good of the child. For example a child with lack understanding sees his parents not providing adequate food because they only give him nutritious food rather than candy. He creates suffering himself and his parents. Once the perception is removed, the suffering removed.

Family members need to identify the emotions that are causes the suffering and be aware that the emotion exhibited may appropriate for that person. In order to break the cycle of blame, another family member or teacher outside of the family needs to help enmeshed family to look deeply at the cause of suffering (Percept: Level 4). The suffering is not directly caused by a family member 1 rather from grasping expectations, addictions, cravings, etc. This of requires a mindfulness practitioner who can skillfully help the family members to look deeply to the true cause of the original suffering does require the family to listen deeply and for the practitioner to see deeply. Most family members initially will be able to perceive suffering as based on human violation (Perception Level 5) and requires much practice to look even deeper to see that the seeds suffering are universal (Perception Level 6). A person needs deep insight and calmness to change misperception and to penetrate darkness in order to see the light. If he is feeling chaotic or hearing chatter in his mind, he will have difficulty clearly seeing the situation. Suffering is interrelated

Once we are able to look deeply at our own suffering, we are able to create space for happiness in oneself and simultaneously water the seeds of happiness in our family and friends and all sentient beings.

Like a hand, one side is light and the other side is dark. We can turn our hand one way or the other and we still have suffering.-We need the top of our hand and the bottom of our hand. We car not have one without the other and our fingers can be turned inward to penetrate the darkness.

All of the levels are based on the ego except for Level 6. Everyone has his own ego to deal with when relating to other family members. The goal is to diminish the grasping at a particular developmental perception. The individual ego joins together to form a family collective ego and together they establish rules within their household and within their community. As long as the ego is present, there still will be suffering. In order to release the ego, the individual must stay open and calm. It is the level of insight or perception of the individual that diminishes suffering.

The cause of our suffering comes from a neuropsychodevelopmental perception. Awareness is always there. We need to practice every day to be able to go deeply and to recognize the situation on a higher developmental level.