Bhikkhuni Dr. Thich Nir Hue Lien

Normally, getting married and building a family is everyone's responsibility of individual and society. This is also a way of maintaining the world and its developing. The happiness of a married couple is one of the reasons of developing civilizing life. (Life is an interesting phenomenon - http://vib.net.ru)

After getting married, the couples' life is much busier with their jobs, which is misviewed as the element of maintaining the happiness in the family. However, this leads to many conflicts affecting their lives, culture, morality, and society.

I. Reasons

1. The batter of the family could initiated by the first reason that is lack of spending time with each other, lack of being care for each other, and lack of understanding. Early in the morning, husband and wife have to rush to their work sites, and did not meet each other until night. Within one week, they only have one family dinner on Sunday. Worst than that, the government workers have to work through the weekend because it is the day of the movement activity.

- Women spend so much of time on caring their own beauties.
- Men, in the other hand, spend most of their time in sport games, leisure activities, and business meetings.

2. Drinking is another reason of causing damage in the family. Alcohol can cause ones losing their own temper. After work, many men go to the bar and get drunk before going home. Sukha.ru - about alcoholism (in Russian).

3. Man has affair with other woman that causes them to become batter.

4. The inequality of woman in the society is originated from misviewing of man who is more important than woman. Many battered women's living depends on their husbands. Even many women make lots of money but also got abuse by their husbands. This situation is caused by the concept that man is more powerful than woman.

5. Children who grow up in the abusive family consider battering as the normal way of solving interpersonal problems. A few boys have been taught that woman is not valuable to be respected, and these boys witness battering since being at early age that allows them to be more abusive.

6. Arranged marry from young age can lead to battering family. This is because in the poor family, daughter is considered a burden in the family. Therefore the daughter in the family is treated as an object of exchanging to maintain the family living once she gets married.

II. The Results of Battering

The battering in the family can cause many effects to woman especially their physical body injuries, permanent handicap, or even death, yet it affects their children's mental and physical health. The following pity story is the real example.
Ms. Nga said:

Her husband is a knowledgeable person who has a high status in the society. After the sweet happy wedding, the happy days were over. She has to live in a humiliation. Her husband has forced her to quit her job, and stayed home to take care the family. She was not allowed to go outside except getting groceries. Ms Nga has lived patiently with unreasonable battering from her husband, so that the family could live in peace. Moreover, the husband would not get ashamed that might affect his status. Her knowledge was quite outdated because she was not allowed to read newspaper, and contact with many people. She tolerated to live in such environment for 19 years. One day, there was a conflict in her husband company, he went home and yelled at her. She said back, and her husband got crazy, locked the door, pulled her into the house and beat her up. She got beat up heavily, and got bleeding from her head, one end of her eye was teared, and her back bone was broken. Unable to tolerate the battering, she moved back to her own parents' home and separated her husband for two years. After escaping the horrible life, she has to live with the physical sufferings of loosing ability to function. After the period of separation, she determined to divorce her husband. Even though she has handed in the application for divorce from the beginning of the years, but there was still no news. She did know what was the reason. (VnEpress).

In the reality, not only Ms Nga's situation, but there are many others similar situations. Another example: "

On June 24, 2007, Dat asked his wife to stay home for getting meal ready and taking care of their children. Because of their poor income, his wife, Hong did not follow his request; she went out in the morning and worked for the farm. At noon, after work, Dat went home and saw the mess in the house, was the children were crying. Therefore, he yelled at his wife. Hong knew her husband's personality, and was scared of being beaten, she went to bed. In the early afternoon, Hong wanted to go to work again, but she was stopped by her husband. Therefore, two of them yelled at each other, and she climped up on bed. Dat took his bottle and bought some beer and two ice creams for the two children, one was 3, and other was 7. Even Hong saw her two children dripped the ice cream on their clothes, but she remained on bed and did not pay attention to them. Dat witnessed and angrily yelled; beat her constantly on her head, and her body. After that, he sat outside of the house and had the drink. Ten minutes later, he saw his wife did not move, he thought she was sleeping, so he came close to her and wanted to continue to yell at her, but he saw there was massive bleeding, and she did not response even he shake at her. He was frighten, so pulled her to the jackfruit tree and hung her by the head. He did this to cover up the truth from the police. After that, Dat clean up the blood on the bed and went over visiting the neighbor."

When we mention to the new battering in Song Khe, Вас Giang: Husband is Dao, Van Nam forced his wife Ly, Thi Hoa undressed, locked her in the dog house, asked mother-in-law to come over to have a look. This is sign of declining in morality. The way of treating wife is no different from treating an animal.

There was another battering situation in one of the renting home closed to the Can Tho College of Art. Every time the husband got drunk, he started yelling at his wife. When he yelled, and his wife kept silent, he thought she devalued him, so he jumped in and beat her up. However, if she answered back, he said that she disrespect him, and she also got beat up. This happened so many times, and she could not tolerate the bating, she knocked on the neighbors' door of asking to stay over. Many ladies understood her situation, but no one would allow her to stay because of scaring her husband's craziness once he knew.

The above situations are the terrible circumstances that related to the human rights, ethic, and human lives. Yet, it carries bad effects to the next generations. Our children will repeat the same reactions of battering because they witnessed it at very young age. These influences will affect the developing society.

III. The Reason for Residue of Battering in the Family

1. Most of the women tend to tolerate the abuse because of their reputation. They concern that reporting to the police would lose their stands. Worst than that, their husband would be more abusive once they know about the report. These women therefore think that the best way of preserving their family is tolerating to the batter. Many reported battered families tend to have serious damages.

2. The careless of many organizations, social services and the delicate charging such as a warning, advising, educating, lead to poor solution in the abusive family. The investigation is performed unless the victim is physically hurt. Moreover, not all the victim can get physical examination because of lacking abilities to perform the examination in medical clinics.

IV. The Solutions of Society and Buddhism

The increasing of the battering in the family happens all over the world, and especially in many unhealthy groups of people. This is not only the problem of a country but it is also a problem of the world. This is the abnormality in society especially; the world aims the protection of human right, and equality.

In order to solve the abusive in the family, the ethic has to be pointed out as an important responsibility of individual member in the family. First, parents have the responsibility of performing ethic, and teach their children about the morality. Ethic and happiness is correlated. Everyone wish to be happy, so it is important to nurture their morality. The solution can be followed these steps.

1. Encouraging indivual's voice is one of enhancing the solution. Some insolvable family problems of the victims can bring to the attention of the society, or social groups so they can help the victim.

2. Developing many family services centers so abused children and battered women can come for advising, cares, and helps.

3. Developing law of protecting women and children from abuse. Gathering media perform to build the civilized family. Encouraging the role models of glorifying, respectful, multiplicities the representative movement with the appropriate means and performances.

4. Multiplicating Buddha's teaching.

Based on Buddhism, the methods of resolving the battered family can be performed through the change of people's perception by transforming individual to become good ethic citizens.

- Realizing family is a sweet home of individual. Everyone should spend time on the meeting of family at least once a day,

- We trained the respectful manner. Practicing equality, eliminate the notion of viewing man is more important than woman. In society, the existence of men and woman is considered as one having two shoulders, right and left. They are both important parts of the body to carry out the same function. Therefore, Husband and wife should love each other, respect each other.
In Singaloka Sutta, Buddha also taught that husband has to love wife, back on time from work. Individual has to be loyal to spouse, and avoid creating any anyhting leading to jealousy. Wife should be allowed to buy clothes and household needs. It also mentioned wife to treat husband that is being nice and respectful. She has to wake up earlier than husband, be handy, ethically, and good in household works especially cooking, and sewing. She needs to look after husband's belonging, not over spending, spending time with children to be respectful. She should also love the parents in law. These all will create the happy family.

Loving each other is also a foundation of developing happy family. Loving is reflected through caring, words, the way of treating, giving. Lacking of loving is the reason of creating conflict in the family. Without love, couple can be pleased each other, children cannot be happy, and family will be destroy, even though they live in such a full materialistic world, with high knowledge, status, and in good health. In other hand, even ones live in a poor family but know how to treat each other with respect, loving, giving, sharing, and then they will earn the happiness. Following story is a realistic example.

There is a poor family. These couples have one son. One day, the neighbor gave a pear to the wife. She then thought to her son who loves eating pear, but he had not eaten it for a long time. Therefore, she brought it to him, and he was very happy once receiving it. Before having a bite, he thought about his father who worked hardly in the farm. He rush to the farm land and gave it to his father. His father received it and wanted to eat it, but then he thought his wife who was so busy with household work for a whole day. He recalled her happy expression every time she received a gift from him. Therefore, he decided to give it to her. It is therefore returned back to the first hand.

In Buddhism, the five precepts of enhancing human ethic are the foundation of developing happy family and providing peace in society. The following are the five ethic guidelines that everyone should keep.

- Cease from killing is a way of showing respect lives; showing love and being protective to other beings' lives which include own's lives, family members', and trying to stay away from destroying others' lives. In order to Increase the concept of respect lives, we should not abuse other yet protect others by growing the seed of love. The harmful action to others is just making others suffer physically and mentally.

- Cease from stealing is second way of showing ethic. Stealing is antisocial action which leads to unhappiness to individual self, own family, and harmed to society. In order to develop the concept of protecting other's belongings, we have to developing our understanding others. Sharing gifts in birthday party, ceremony, cultural festival are the ways of increasing loves.

- Cease from sexual misconduct ion can bring the happiness to individual's family. One husband and one wife is the ideal concept of protecting couple and families from separation. This also contributes of protecting society from destruction. Now a day, many contagious illnesses such as HIV, AIDs, can kill many people and families. The contract of the marrying always inquires loyalty in loving in relationship. The appearance of the third person in a couple's relationship, or even it is a thought could increase the stress to the couples. The concept of having affair is not a harmful issue can damage many families. If understanding the battering is a harmful action of hurting other physical body and feeling, the relationship of a couple can be protected. Therefore, happiness of the couple can be guaranteed and cared, and then the abusive family issues can be decreased.

- Any unkind language to our relatives can destroy any happiness of both parties. The lovable languages are only developing love in meeting; also create the comfort feelings toward each other. When practicing speaking lovable kind words, we feel others and relatives love us even more. This is also an integrating ethical practice. Therefore, we should not be untrue or even saying meaningless words to our love ones. We should not magnifying, coating an issue, because we understand that every issue is relative. We should not be a double ended sword. We have to understand each side has its own reasons; we should not mention any meaningless words which can damaged to our relatives and to our love ones.

- Alcohol can cause damages to family, the value of a person can be decreased and society can be damaged. Dunking alcohol is quite common in man hood in the East, in the West society, and all the societies globally in the future. Transforming the habit of drink should be applied to both sexes. When one is controlled by alcohol, mental and material can be objective. Losing control of mind and body would lead to addicted alcohol people losing knowledge and awareness of surrounding events. Therefore they then cannot care and provide love to their families. The ability to control own habits means to control own feelings and needs of the society.

The Five Regulations above are considered individual's responsibility in behaving ethically, so everyone can build their own happy and joyful lives for individual, family, and society.

In order to develop and improve the ethic lives, and individual's happiness, everyone should be encouraged to integrate Buddha's teachings such as keeping 8 precepts in Uposatha day, practicing of the commandments, keeping precepts, concentration, and wisdom, etc. in their lives.

V. Conclusion

In a conclusion, ethical points mentioned above should be carried out in every family to ensure all the members in the family express love each other, understand others' needs, and be giving. All of these are the picture of a happy family. Therefore, family wants to maintain the happiness for long period of times, expressing love is way to reconstruct individual's ethic in the family. Developing the happy civilizing family in order to build a sweet home for individuals, is a health cell of the society and a healthy environment of developing humanity of individual, and for creating a source of human power to provide the services in developing and protecting countries in the world.

Translated by Thick Nu Thong Niem